Camera phone an idea whose time shouldn't have come

I feel as though I've let you down, dear readers. Here it is, thefirst week of the last month of 2003, and I'm just getting around totelling you that:

* Camera phones aren't cool.

* They never were cool.

* Barring one of those reality-warping incidents in which Supermangets exposed to the wrong kind of Kryptonite and then there's thishuge flash of light and all of a sudden, there's a big statue of DonHo where the Lincoln Memorial should be, camera phones never will becool.

And finally -- here's the practical, life-saving advice that I tryto include in each and every column -- I should warn you that ...

* If you think that showing off your new camera phone is going toget you anywhere with that good-looking barista at the coffee shopnear your office, you're tragically and poorly informed.

Certainly that's my fault, at least partially. I never brought itup because I didn't really think it was necessary.

Surely you've seen, you've snickered, and you've moved on withyour lives. What the devil do camera phones have going for them?

Picture quality stinks on ice. Most camera phones can't autofocus,they lack an onboard flash, and they rely on long exposures, so onthe whole the only way to send a clear picture to your friends withone of these units is to just dial their number and describe whatyou're looking at.

I've taken underwater photos that came out sharper and clearerthan the average cell-phone picture.

Once you've taken a picture, what do you do with it? Of course, itdepends on your carrier and your rate plan. The good news is that youcan usually only transmit pictures to people who share your network.

And each snapshot will be usuriously expensive to transmit; onecarrier in my area charges 40 cents a throw.

Camera phones really turn on you, too. You thought it'd make youseem hip and cool, but in fact you become a victim of creepiness-by-association. If the phone rings while you're in a mall, and you'restanding within 50 feet of a changing room, that camera phone shouldstay right in your pocket. If your wife loves you, she'll understand,and will just call you right back as soon as the baby's beendelivered.

Of course, it's no fault of the manufacturer that camera phoneshave become the shoe mirrors of the 21st century, but there it isnonetheless.

So: They take bad pictures, they're expensive to operate, theydrain your batteries and in a worst-case scenario they'll cause yourname to land on some sort of watch list. And yet more and more ofthem are manufactured every day. I'm baffled.

Look, somewhere here in the office I have a normal-looking digitalwristwatch that also dispenses PEZ candy. After you've checked thetime and determined that the Tokyo durable-goods market closes injust 20 minutes and thus it's time to start dumping some options fromyour company's pension fund, you push a little lever and a chalkycherry lozenge springs into your hand. It's stylish and fun.

I've never devoted a column to that one, either, because the PEZwatch had exactly the right sort of impact on the Industry. It's coolin a chocolate-and-peanut-butter sort of way, but it's certainly notthe sort of thing that causes columnists and analysts to spend anhour leaning back in their chairs and speculating about where thistechnology will wind up in three years.

Which is a bloody shame, because on the whole, the PEZ watch is amuch sounder investment than a camera phone. It's about as useful,for starters, plus it's a one-time $7.95 investment.

And I guarantee you: it'll buy you at least a brief conversationwith that cute barista.

Andy Ihnatko writes on computer issues for the Sun-Times.